Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You may now shotgun with the bride
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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