wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
