Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
