I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
