i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
