my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize