Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
