Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
