Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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