I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want nice things and good sex
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
