$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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