its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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