Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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