Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just had sex on a roof
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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