So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
