I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
