I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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