Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
