mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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