the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
