well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
