Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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