Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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