I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
