dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
