its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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