I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
