We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
