got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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