the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize