I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
