My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't turn off my feet"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
