Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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