Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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