When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
