I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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