I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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