Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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