I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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