My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Randomize
