Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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