Jerry, you need to find god
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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