That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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