I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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