Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
