Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
