how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The best revenge is premature balding
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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