They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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