Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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