the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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