We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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