If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The beer is more important than you right now.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
