Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize