so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
