It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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