you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
