I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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