Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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