i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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